Friday, June 27, 2008

A Lesson to Remember


Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each
afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was
next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend
all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and
families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military
service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could
sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the
things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods
where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity
and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans
played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young
lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine
view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details,
the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and
imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing
by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his
minds eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive
words.

Days, weeks and months passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to
bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by
the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened
and called the hospital attendants to take the body away. As soon as it
seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next
to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after
making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out
the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall. The man asked the
nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had
described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even
see the wall. She said, 'Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.'

Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy,
despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but
happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that
money can't buy.

'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'


Dear Wife

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and
that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk
boxers.

You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching
all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore;
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me.Your SISTER and I are moving away to
West Virginia together!

Have a great life!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than complete than receiving your letter.

It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
goodman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining and griping. Too bad that it doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first
thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother
raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten
me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years
ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the
$49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence
that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought
us two tickets to Jamaica .

But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you have always wanted.

My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a
dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

Enjoy Your Freedom
God Bless Our Troops



I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,

OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

AND TO THE REPUBLIC,

FOR WHICH IT STANDS,

ONE NATION UNDER GOD,

INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY

AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!





For all of our other military personnel, whereever they may be.


Please support all of the troops defending our Country.


God bless our Military who are protecting our country for our freedom.


Thanks to them, and their sacrifices we can celebrate the 4th of July.


We must never forget who gets the credit for the freedoms,


We have, of which we should be eternally grateful.








I watched the flag pass by one day,


It fluttered in the breeze.


A young Marine saluted it,


And then he stood at ease..




I looked at him in uniform


So young, so tall, so proud,


With hair cut square and eyes alert


He'd stand out in any crowd.




I thought how many men like him


Had fallen through the years.


How many died on foreign soil


How many mothers' tears?




How many pilots' planes shot down?


How many died at sea?


How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?


No, freedom isn't free.




I heard the sound of taps one night,


When everything was still,


I listened to the bugler play


And felt a sudden chill.




I wondered just how many times


That taps had meant "Amen,"


When a flag had draped a coffin.


Of a brother or a friend.




I thought of all the children,


Of the mothers and the wives,


Of fathers, sons and husbands


With interrupted lives.




I thought about a graveyard


At the bottom of the sea


Of unmarked graves in Arlington.


No, freedom isn't free





Enjoy Your Freedom & God Bless Our Troops


USO The Best Way to Support Our Troops

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Three Southern Boys

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they
sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three
men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back
the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty
bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said,

'Nope, ain't Bubba.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm.

'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said,

'No, it ain't Bubba.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

25 Ways to Improve Your Health


















































How Martians have sex.

The year is 2222 and Mike & Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier Miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have computers,
how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do. "A discussion
ensues! Finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and
just a quarter-inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead,his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims,
as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways.

As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful.
How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

What Happens in Heaven

A lesson in gratitude:
I dreamed that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me
around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled
with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section
and said, 'This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God
said in prayer are received.' I looked around in this area, and it
was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written
on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the
world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second
section. The angel then said to me, 'This is the Packaging and Delivery
Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are
processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them. '

I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working
hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and
were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door
of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated
there, idly doing nothing. 'This is the Acknowledgment Section,' my angel
friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed

'How is it that there is no work going on here?' I asked.

'So sad,' the angel sighed. 'After people receive the blessings that they
asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.''How does one
acknowledge God's blessings?' I asked.'Simple,' the angel answered.
Just say, 'Thank you, Lord.

''What blessings should they acknowledge?' I asked.

'If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a
dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.''And if you
get this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world
who has that opportunity.''If you woke up this morning with more
health than illness ... you are more blessed than the many who will
not even survive this day.''If you have never experienced the fear
in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or
the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 700 million people in the
world.''If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment,
arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than,
three billion people in the world.''If your parents are still alive and
still married ...you are very rare.''If you can hold your head up and
smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and
despair.'Ok, what now? How can I start?If you can read this message,
you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of
you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion
people in the world who cannot read at all.

Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this
along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept..'Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability
to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people
with whom to share it.'If you have read this far, and are thankful for
all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on?
I thank God for everything, especially all my family and friends!